Men Love Siri, Women Still Looking for Mr. Good Signal Strength Bar

A study in the current issue of Virtual Science has confirmed what many already suspect: men are falling in love with Siri. When Apple introduced Siri – the iPhone 4S virtual assistant – this past October, tech geeks became very excited. But few had the foresight to see that this excitement would also become a bad double entendre.

The just-published research was conducted by virtual scientists at the University of Wisconsin. Based upon telephone interviews with iPhone 4S owners, 79% of men in committed relationships (defined as completely monogamous for greater than 12 months, any recent office Christmas party activities of course exempted) found Siri to be a more desirable romantic partner than their current significant other. Despite the apparent strength of these data, the authors were quick to point out that the Siri preference may be overstated as the male study participants were all involved with women from Wisconsin.

The Siri phenomenon is not just a scientific one. The latest entry in the hugely popular Girls Gone Wild video series, Virtual Assistants Gone Wild, includes footage of Siri (some truly amazing stuff happens just past the 4 minute mark, or so I’m told) and is poised to be their biggest seller yet. Plus, the rumor mill has it that Esquire magazine’s 2012 Sexiest Woman Alive is setting up to be a close battle between Siri and Megan Fox.

Apple has been quick to notice these trends and will soon be offering Siri-themed apps through its iTunes Store. “Sexting Siri” will substantially expand upon her vocabulary and allow her to answer those personal questions to which she now refuses. The specific details of another app, “Siri Love You Long Time”, have not yet been made available, but a hardware purchase of some sort will be needed to take full advantage.

The Virtual Science study also asked women iPhone users about Siri, with 63% describing her as a vapid, catty ogress who they long ago disabled from their phones. When these women were then questioned about what they’d like in a virtual assistant, many expressed a preference for a yellow, nonverbal, smiley-faced character with glasses. When told that this description identically matches that of Microsoft Bob, the colossal Windows virtual assistant failure from the 1990s, the response would typically switch to “Well, just anything but that Siri b*tch”.

[The blogger reserves the right to occasionally go off topic and flat out make things up, and he did receive an iPhone 4S as a holiday gift]

This was originally posted in the Buffalo Grove Patch on 12/28/2011.

Foreign Body Misadventures

My introduction to the wild and wacky world of x-rays and foreign bodies came late one night during the first year of my radiology residency. I was asked to read an abdominal x-ray on a young woman, the concern being that a rectal thermometer had become misplaced – and inaccessible – within her urinary bladder. I asked the attending emergency medicine physician why the patient was certain that the thermometer was in her bladder rather than the appropriate – or other regional – orifice. The emergency doc paused, gave me a wry smile, told me she asked the patient the very same question and was given an angry reply. I’m paraphrasing after 20+ years, but the response was something along the lines of, “It’s in my #@!*% bladder – I’m not stupid!!”

X-rays done to locate a foreign body usually don’t lead to such acerbic confrontations, the most common situation probably being a cute toddler who accidentally swallowed a coin. But variants of “I have no idea how that wine bottle got in there” do occur fairly often, and I have yet to meet the radiologist without a foreign body anecdote. A book published earlier this year, Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn’t Be, has probably been long in coming. I do regret that it was written by three non-radiologists, the authors being two psychiatrists and an emergency medicine physician. I have known two radiologists who collected dozens of similar – and in my opinion better quality – images, one of whom I used to regularly beg to pursue publishing as a coffee table book. But to no avail.....

Before I come off callous and uncaring, let me assure you that I completely empathize with these patients who must be horribly embarrassed having to explain their predicaments. And the people described in such a book deserve anonymity and respect, as well as prompt and appropriate treatment for what can be a true medical emergency. I like to think that this is why my radiologist colleagues never “went public” with their collections. But the x-rays – and even more so the stories – can be fascinating, and the ones in Stuck Up! do not disappoint.

I personally have only a handful of noteworthy foreign body tales. In addition to the “thermometer debacle”, my most memorable – and disturbing – case involved a woman (despite my examples, men are much more likely to be involved in such incidents) who would bend and break razor blades prior to swallowing them. When asked why she broke them before ingesting, her reply – again paraphrasing – was very matter-of-fact, “They’d be far too big and difficult to swallow otherwise.”

While often sad, such sagas provide a unique window and insight into human behavior. People do peculiar things, some of which are dangerous and require medical attention. And – for better or worse – unexpected metal in the human body can make a really cool x-ray.

This was originally posted in the Buffalo Grove Patch on 12/20/2011.